Sand Castles

Sand Castle

He was feeling nostalgic so he went back to the roof. It was second time in this week that he went up to the roof with a gap of multiple years in between. The roof was just a word here, in fact, the place was heaven or we can say used to be a heaven. It was a place where he has grown up. He remembers playing around the place but what brought him back up was the memory of all the dreams he has woven in that place. A lot has changed in all these years. The place was still the same though but very dirty with dust around every corner. He remembers how much this place meant to them back then and how they spend so much time sweeping and cleaning the place but now they all are adult and they rarely visit the rooftop. The place has lost its glory but everything was there except for the tube light as it got broken some years ago and the empty sockets are just sitting alone in the dark. There was only one room on the rooftop which used to host them all but now it was locked. The swing was there but no one is fighting to get their turn for it. It was left stranded in the middle and only wind was taking a slow swing at it. He left the swing unintended and came to the open area.

Everything was there, the same but so much has changed. Usually, change is outwards, landscape changes and setting changes but this time everything was there except for their own selves. He has stopped coming here because the place haunts him. The dreams he has woven here, every single one of them. The prayers, the thinking of future, the first love and thinking of a time where he can get her was long but it was in this place where memories and dreams were woven but now coming to this place reminds him that how he himself has shattered the dreams of that person. He has betrayed himself in a way that there is no way to even define the guilt.  He has waited so long for that moment to come when they can be united but when the time came, he rejected her. There were certain circumstances that led him to reject her though but it was a dream and was built by so much love. Have you ever loved someone without them knowing? You know how you build the love and glorify it as a story knowing that all you have to do is to wait to get them and I don’t how you can explain to your younger self that you yourself have shattered your own ultimate goal. The guilt, the pain, and the shame are too much.

He sat on the swing thinking of that time. It was the same summer. He played the same song except for this time he has earphones and youtube to listen to the song. Everything looked the same except for the tubelight which he uses to stare at while listening to the song. The dragonflies weren’t even there too. The place seemed like is a corpse of his dreams. Last week when he came up, he wanted the rain to come and even though the stage was set for rain, it didn’t come. Today, he wanted to stay up and not drenched in the rain but today it was raining and quite uncontrollably as if his past was crying for the betrayal that was never expected. Who can be this insane to betray their own selves? He remembers each and every line of that time. It was 2004 when the dreaming began and exactly after ten years, the dream got broken. The ten years in between were spent to build the dream so hard.

He wasn’t the type to talk about love and romance like that. He doesn’t even want to feel guilty about it but the sand castles he has built over his dream were giving their way now and here he is standing helpless watching every particle sinking away. The girl he has decided to betray his dream with isn’t part of his life anymore. The job which he thought will provide to be his strongest castle has proven to be a sand castle in disguise. Now everything was slipping away but what worries him was the future. He doesn’t have any goals left. He knows he is in a place where he has to get married soon willingly or unwillingly because, in our culture, there is time for marriage which I believe is a good thing but for him, he is so unprepared.

He looked around the roof. There was a pleasant smell of dust mixing with rain and the open part is now all shinning with water. It reminds him of the memorable times they have in this rain back then and some of those memories are even saved in his computer. Maybe he can weave new dreams here. Maybe. He has decided that he will go with a life partner his family will find. It wasn’t a bad choice I guess and mystery can be pleasant. He also knows that they are soon going to shift into their new home and this memorable place will be gone. It will be the start of a new life altogether. This place was his yard where he has grown up and every corner reminds me of time where he built himself but going in a different place means it will not be his place but a place where his kids will come and grow. It will be their yard and will be home to their memories. It will be a totally new thing and with a mystery partner, everything in life will be new and changed and he was scared that in all that he might lose himself. The thought of it was heartbreaking. Everyone talks about success stories and all the success stories talk about how the journey started but no one talks about the middle chapters even though middle chapters are the one that is the toughest. He doesn’t have any clue that what life has planned for him but he has serious guilt for betraying himself. He has high hopes and great faith in God that he will find his path. He just doesn’t want to lose himself. He took pride in his sand castles which didn’t even take the first rain and disintegrated. He doesn’t want to build sand castles anymore. He doesn’t want to plan anything anymore but he wanted peace in his life and someone to share the peace with.

There is a lot to dream about and much more to feel guilty off but now the thunder was coming and a thunderstorm was making a lot of noise which scared him. He doesn’t have a thunder buddy anymore so he has to go hide in his bedroom.